Seasonal Product Reviews

Next year, I'm hiring someone else to put up the Christmas lights!

SIR WILLIAM | Syndicated Columnist

Since mid-November, I have looked forward to authoring a product review on fiberglass extension ladders for hanging outdoor Christmas lights.  I’ve climbed ladders since kittenhood, sometimes without my hooman’s permission.  So, I eagerly researched my options and settled on three ladders for my product review: the HighPounce, the YewsLadder, and the Meowner.

Yet, as often happens to even motivated writers, I fell behind my self-imposed writing schedule.  In full disclosure, I wasn’t too worried about fudging the deadline.  There’s still plenty of time before Christmas. 

By yesterday, however, I grew tired of Cocoa Bean’s jesting meows that – at this rate – I might as well decorate for next Christmas.  So, shrugging my shoulders, happy to give anything a go, I started my DIY project.

Alas, it was a complete cat-astrophe.

At first, the project went smoothly because I had a plan.  I untangled and tested our used light strands in the garage – stopping occasionally to warm my paws on a mug of salmon chowder.  Then, I zoomied down to PacingHardware to replace a few strands of burned out lights.  Back home, on my favorite ottoman by the fire, I sat on my haunches to read the instructions for each ladder.  Fully informed, I went back outside to set the ladders against the house in intervals.  Finally, with my teeth, walking backwards, I dragged the light strands over the snowy lawn to spread them out.  At last, I was ready to test out the first ladder: the HighPounce.

Like any self-respecting tom, I’m not afraid of heights.  However, I ‘learned the hard way’ that the HighPounce presented an atypical 24-foot challenge due to its subpar safety features.  As I climbed the ladder, my paws repeatedly slipped on the rungs; the ladder lacked its advertised anti-slip grips.  To catch my balance, I leaned towards the house, but my whiskers caught upon and froze to the ladder.  Each time, I had to free my whiskers before resuming the climb.  Mindful of the ladder’s limitations, I kept going so that I had adequate information to draft a comprehensive product review.

Near the top, I paused to catch my breath.  At that point, I saw a very pretty she-kitty on the sidewalk.  I tried to wave at her, and disaster struck.  I lost my balance.  Flailing my paws wildly, I managed to grab the left side rail.  My tuna-treat chonkiness offset the ladder’s center of mass.  The entire contraption pivoted onto one safety shoe, which actually popped off and flew into a snowbank!  The ladder teetered then settled back against the wall but on its other side. 

I held on for dear life, dangling 24-feet off the ground, on the wrong side of the ladder.  It didn’t take long for my tired, cold, wet paws to slip free from their clutches.  Terrified, I yowled as I fell 24-feet towards the ground. Fortunately, I landed in a lovely, tuna-shaped bush that Zazzy had sculpted, but I was covered in snow and ice, scratches and bruises, and somehow, I had twisted myself in Christmas lights.  I struggled onto my paws. 

Then, I heard feminine giggles.  I turned towards the she-kitty and realized the scope of my predicament…

For shame, my fellow toms!  My moment of disgrace had been witnessed by not one but three pretty she-kitties on the sidewalk.  Amused by my graceless fall, snowclad fur, and lighted entanglement, they gawked at me.  Nervously, hoping to recover some manly dignity, I grinned and waved at them.  But they turned their backs, held their chins and tails high, and sashayed away.  I was so mortified that I nearly lost all of my nine lives.

And that, dear reader, is why I shall never hang Christmas lights ever again.  I’m done with Christmas light strands, and I’m done with fiberglass extension ladders.  Buyer beware!